feelings (on not feeling)
by Faulty Paragon
Summary: Axel ponders upon the people he has met, those important to him - Isa's helping hand, Roxas's (and his predecessor-double's) brilliant smile; and a fluttering black cloak, black silky strands which seem to fill his periphery every time he tries to look away. Then, he tries not to break. Days-verse, after Xion's fading.


A/N: Another drabble spawned in my genetics and evolution lecture... there's not much else to do during it. Here's a little snapshot on Axel and those people who have influenced his life.

Enjoy, RxR please!

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**Feelings (On Not Feeling)**

He recalls blond hair, blue eyes, a youthful smile – they fly through his mind, the clang of a cheap plastic disk echoing through his mind as it hit well-worn wood, carved and tied into a strange sword. He recalls pondering the shape at the time – a key, how (linked it would be to his future) unusual – but he hadn't spent too much time on it, simply letting it go and teasing the boy in his memories instead. That fight had been the start of something brief, something pure, something here-there-gone-forgotten.

Not forgotten.

What was his name?

He can easily imagine cerulean rolling in mock anger. _Wow, you forgot already? A guy just takes a nap, and this happens! Thanks a lot, Le-_

"Whatcha thinkin' about?" He sees blond hair, blue eyes, a youthful smile peering curiously up into his face.

Roxas is still much like a newborn babe, and for one moment Axel is tempted to gather the young Keyblade bearer (far too heavy of a burden for one as naïve as he) in his arms, and hold him close; he is tempted to breathe in the scent in his hair, of far-off tropical breezes (which the boy has never experienced) and let himself remember that this boy is even more of nothingness than he.

He doesn't act on temptation. "You remind me someone I knew, that's all."

Roxas looks like the boy in his memories. They're not related - just a little reminder that everything he cares for isn't meant to exist.

Sapphire eyes fix back onto the horizon. "Was he a friend of yours too?"

His heart palpitates in grief, for that boy he met knew him as another, and not the Flurry of Dancing Flames, not the redheaded assassin of a hidden agenda. A lanky finger absentmindedly traces the teardrops engrained into his skin, and a smirk pulls his lips, resignation taking over.

"Yeah. He's got my name memorized."

Just not the redhead's alias at the moment. But Roxas doesn't need to know that.

It's alright. He'll be whole one day – him, and Roxas, and his blue-haired counterpart who had once helped him up anytime he stumbled. They would be together, whole, united again, one day.

"I'm sure you'll meet them again someday then! Friends stay connected, right?" The innocence in the tiny blond youth's voice almost breaks him. To hide that rare weakness, he turns emerald eyes back to the golden sky reflecting off puffy clouds, the idyllic scenery soothing his worries as he tunes out everything around him.

"-but man, you should have seen me out there today!" Roxas ends, startling the elder.

Axel pushes the boy gently as he comes back to reality, huffing, "Getting full of yourself, huh Roxy-boy?"

Roxas looks back, a brilliant white smile glittering, petit frame trying to push the larger man back.

Axel's eyes absentmindedly trace the space on the other side of Roxas, a certain hollowness striking him at the lack of a thin black cloak.

He shakes his head. Maybe Isa wouldn't have minded, but Saix would never join them on their little clock tower, and he's the only other friend Axel has – not this blond (black) haired child filling his mind with his (her) giggles resounding in the air.

The ache intensifies. That's all he's ever felt these days – it hurts much more than when he first became a Nobody, but he knows it's not a true feeling. Saix says so, the Superior says so. It's not feeling, it's not emotion, it's not a _heart._

"Eat your ice cream!" the boyish (girlish) figure chides, blond (black) hair swaying in a gentle evening breeze. He blinks, shaking the image of a sweet, feminine face out of his mind. He's with Roxas, no, no one else,_ no one else._

He listens, obeys, bites. It's salty, sweet – it's right, but something is missing. Something's always missing.

He looks back into that eager young face and claps Roxas on the shoulder playfully, face grinning but eyes still thoughtful. _It's_ always missing. Saix (Xio-_who?_) isn't there beside him. But for now, this is good enough.

It has to be.


End file.
